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Ridiculous Thoughts a Millennial Had about Personal Finance


I don’t budget. Oklah, I lied there. I do plan my finance monthly, but it’s not the same month-to-month. What I don’t budget for is food. I don’t wanna starve lol.

Hey guys! Your favourite millennial is here! I’m about to annoy you some more so sit back and relax. Get your face and your palm ready for some bonding! O.m.g!!

(eew)

In all seriousness, I have been busy! Good kind of busy. I’m taking up a few projects here and there to expand my skills and expertise a little bit. This girl has plans to work more from home in the future so stay tuned for that, folks!

Now, on to my real stuff here.

You see, in my previous life as a full-time freelancer, I was earning good money. Guaranteed RM3,000 a month least. Once, I calculated and I received almost RM10,000 within a month and a half. The point here isn’t to brag. Instead, I’m about to drop some truth bombs.

I sucked a budgeting. No, I’m terrible at saving and I’m even worse at spending. Oklah, I sucked at budgeting. /sigh

I’m not an expert now, but I do meet my unavoidable expenses month-to-month. I am also not starving myself (even when I’m earning less than RM3k) so that’s great! #adultingdoneright

In fact, I’m planning to buy a new car next year! Yay? Or no? Tell me in the comments!

All right, let me tell you a story about a young, carefree and careless Melinya. She was still living with her parents. Problem number one. (Her parents aren’t the problem, I promise.)

I was earning great income between 2014-2015 as a freelance sound engineer. The events and concerts you go to, I make them sounds happen yo. It’s not a super glamorous life as it can be labour-intensive. But, I just need to do at least 10 of those a month and I can get by pretty comfortably. I’ve no rent, house utilities or car insurance to pay for. Most of my expenses go towards my phone bill, food, and daily commute.

Perks of living with the parents!

I could afford brunch every day, you know. Like those eggs on toasts with beans and salad plus JUICE and COFFEE kind of brunch. Why not, kan? Spend all them greens ‘cause I’m going to earn more laterz anywayz.

I want to slap my younger self sometimes.

What I would have done differently: put more money into savings and bring more packed food instead of eating out a lot. These two things are the biggest change I would say that I’m doing right now compared to when I was earning a lot more.

Which leads me to problem number two: I was always afraid that I won’t have enough money to spend if I had to put away money. (Insert: long internal groan of disappointment.) AKA SAVINGS.

I remember arguing myself that if I had to put away x% of my income right now (back then), I told myself I won’t be having enough to spend on. This was without running the actual numbers! Can you believe how absurd that train of thought is?? That’s the total opposite of how savings could have benefited me!!!

//screams in frustration for an eternity//

What I would have done differently: Understand my spending habits better. Also, teach myself to save and how having a second savings account could also benefit me. Because having only one is absurd yo. #DaveRamseyftw!!

Third problem – I worked until I was beyond exhausted because I wanted to make more money and fast. And I was constantly working with the wrong clients.

“Working with less than ideal clients” is one topic I’d love to talk about one day. I so want to start a freelancer video series but that will have to wait a bit!

(feel free to send me money at paypal.me/melinyasarah so I can buy a vlogging camera because I’m shameless like that!)

Back to getting exhausted from working… This was happening a lot in those days because I was getting quite comfortable from the money I was earning. I was not ready to give it all up! Honestly, work was taking up my time so much, I was not living the life that I wanted. I was spending less time with my family and hanging out with friends that didn’t even vibe well with me. I was not unhappy, but it was not fulfilling for sure.

What I would have done differently: Understanding my capacity before accepting new jobs. Even if that means I would be earning less.

Back to being a terrible millennial… Or not so anymore….

What is different with me right now is how I perceive money. More accurately, income. A question I always ask myself – am I going to waste all the money I’ve earned from working x hours? Probably not.

I also have three separate savings accounts for different things.

The first one is an untouchable emergency fund.

The second one is a touchable emergency fund, mostly for car repairs.

The third and final one is for things that I want to buy. Like, getting a decent vlogging camera and upgrading my 2011 MacBook Pro. (I want to get a more ram and an SSD so I can do more jobs!)

Check out my hire me page if you need some work done or send me money if you’re feeling generous!

The biggest takeaway here…

Young adults these days are burdened with difficult choices. To either take up jobs that pay more than passion or working many jobs while working on said passion. (Thank you, skyrocketing living costs!) Truth be told, I’m the later. I’ve tried my hands on working in 3 different companies full-time and they all didn’t work out much for me. #TypicalMillennial lol. But here’s what I’ll say to my fellow millennials and generation Z folks:

Start leveraging your talents and/or skills. Find out what your niche is and then make a list of services that you can offer to your friends and family. Think: what are some of the needs that you can fulfill, and then leverage on that. Also don’t be a dick about it lah, ok? Be nice and be honest. Do things for the long run, don’t half-ass, and always be responsible!

Don’t be like past Mel, carefree and careless. #facepalm

But you have countless of resources at the tip of your fingers. Don’t let time pass you by while you get burned out. Start small and work from there. Get all the help you need. Opportunities are abundant, you just need to look for them!

Alright, serious topic over! Do you guys like my new blog? I’ve revamped it to look prettier and more presentable. Ayeeee professionalism, am I right??

BEFORE | Simple, minimalistic look

I kid. Anything in USD for me is too expensive so this is the best that I can come up with with a shoestring budget. Hope you guys dig and I hope to be back next week!

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash | Created on canva.com

 

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The Journey to Finding Myself


Not another blog post about an entitled millennial!

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash | Created on canva.com

Alright, bear with me on this one. It’s not every day you’d wake up to find yourself being a quarter-century old and realizing that you have yet to feel proud about something you’ve done with your bare hands. For the first time in my life, I am able to differentiate between “bear” and “bare”. That has got to count for something! ….right?

Ah, well. I shan’t be one of those millennial always seeking to be validated.

In all seriousness though, I do wanna talk the things I’ve learned in my 2018 so far, while at the same time launching my [latest] weekly blogging series called: Not Another: Millennia(L) Session. Your Monday Muse by moi. (I’m just giving myself more option to show up more on social media, tbh)

Now, story time! Best paired with freshly brewed coffee. (mine wasn’t fresh anymore when I took this pic)

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Hello hello! . I've been super quiet lately and and now I'm back hehe! 😎 . I was on an amazing break from work for the past three weeks. (Thanks Ramadhan!) 😴 . Sadly, I did not get a chance to enjoy getting food coma from all the open houses and glorious Raya food huhu 😢 . But I did rest up and evaluate on a lot of things in my life. 💡 . I've also been working on getting my head back into that work space. 👓 . [Basically: Trello, Emails, Production Documents] 💻 . My calendar is looking full with events, and honestly I'm anxious HAHA 😫 . I also scored my old VA job back (yay!). 😍 . Can you believe that it's almost July soon???? 👀 . Time sure flies!! Can't wait to drive the rest of my 2018 to full speed!! 💥 . [also, pls don't judge my coffee – I waited too long to take this picture in public lololol]

A post shared by Melinya Sarah 🇲🇾 (@melinya) on

I used to like calling myself Mel Of All Trades to make myself feel better when I just couldn’t decide on what I like to do best. I have lots of interest in many things other than audio and music, and this sort of dilemma has put me into a state of bipolar-type (using it lightly here you don’t have to yell ok) self-mental abuse on many occasions. I would either be super semangat or super depressed (again, light).

This year I started approaching life in a different way – allowing myself to just riding the wave. I had one simple reason: to have more time to create, discovering myself, and learning to love myself more. So my goals became more oriented towards improving on my available skills while at the same time learning how to leverage them for lucrative reasons.

*hehehehehe evil laugh

Has it been working out for me? You bet. My PR skills have improved, I’ve learned to expand my services within my niche and treat it more like a business, got myself some extra work to do outside of residency… etc etc. I’m doing things that I never thought I could ever do. And I definitely feel like I’m living the best life so far!!

Not my dream life. Just the best version of my life (so far) – good balance of optimal stress, good food, and lotsa rest. 😎

Now, over time, I will be uncovering more areas of my life. But here’s my top lesson for the week: the journey to self-discovery takes time. I don’t even think I’m ever going to be done. At least, not in the near future. Not now. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I’m going to continue doing life – by accepting that change will always be constant and I will have to be okay with it. Baby steps!

Till next week!!

Not Another: Millennia(L) Session is inspired by the more “judgy” type of baby boomers who would just not give us any slack. Also, fun fact, when Crown The Empire’s lead vocalist Andy Leo announced their next song “Millenia” of their set during the KL leg of their tour in May, it sounded like “Melinya”. (that was unnecessarily mouthful!)

My 2018 Bullet Journal Setup


Hey folks! For this week’s video, I’ll be sharing with you guys what I have set up for my 2018 bullet journal.

If you don’t know what a bullet journal is, the creator has a great video about it:

To put it simply, it’s a planner, diary, sketchbook all in one! At least for the artsy people, it can be a sketchbook too. For me, I use it mainly to organize my work and plan for the future. It’s like a planner, but with more versatility. I started this system near the end of 2016, and have been on it on and off throughout the whole of 2017. I’m back on it for good as I’ve left my full-time job and will need a system to organize my never-ending list of projects ideas. Ha!

This year, I just want to keep things task and goal-oriented. I find that having too many trackers and lists just ended up becoming wasted pages. So for my main set up this year, one of the most important spreads for me is my list of goals and reminders.

If you haven’t watched my 2018 goals video, check it out here:

The whole of last year wasn’t that great for me. I felt like I was constantly trying to make other people happy but not myself. I didn’t even do anything that I listed out in my “goals dump” (I mean, what even is that?). I didn’t grow as much. I didn’t do anything that I was passionate about, and I certainly did not have fun. My time was mostly consumed by work and every chance I get to do things outside of work (ie passion projects, going on holidays etc) I was guilt-tripped into thinking that I was doing things that weren’t meaningful.

Many of things on my goals list sound like they are super average and basically just things that normal people do every day. They’re not for me. I haven’t watched a movie or a TV series in a while. I have not seen my friends in a long time. I skipped church a lot more than ever because of work. So I’ve decided to make this year, my year.

I want to lose weight. Through my meals, simple home workouts, and a healthy mindset.

I want to be able to see my friends and family more. Over good food and great conversations.

I want to inspire people. Doing things that are out of the ordinary through means of continuous learning and experimenting. Things that I have thought about for months and years.

I also want to reach my financial goals. Achieve financial freedom and being able to focus my energy on homeschooling and child developments.

Those are my dreams. And I’m laying the groundwork in 2018.

Classic Tiny House Speed Build | The Sims 4


Hey hey hey! Surprise non-Wednesday post!

Recently my friends and I got the “Get Together” expansion pack as it was on discount on Origin. And oh. my. GEES!! They have so many pretty build and buy items, I’m obsessed! I’ve wanted a new pack for a while because I wasn’t really a fan of “Get To Work” and “Dine Out” stuffs, or maybe I was just bored with them after a while hahaha. Anyways I am sharing my account with 3 other working friends so we could all afford the packs without blowing our wallets.

Anyways, here is my video! Lemme know what you guys think!

My Weakness: I can’t do meal plans


It’s hard! Too much work. The food I make doesn’t taste very good. Ugh!

But you know what, I’m saving money and I have to stick to it. I have to learn how to do this if I want to have a little bit more to save every month and not see the fresh produce that I buy go bad. It’s not the most convenient thing to do but if I have to do it to be able to spend less on things that I can have with a cheaper price tag, so be it. I have to be disciplined and stick. to. it!!

So I did. At least for last week, I planned my meals and stuck to most of it. Did I mention it was hard?

But you know what, I learned some hard truths, both good and bad. Mostly, I learned a lot about myself than I ever did ever since I started adulting. Yes, there is a time in my life when I was an adult but never really got serious in adulting, so here’s one hard truth – I was HORRIBLE at saving!!

I remember at one point in my life when my tithes reached RM1000++. You know what that means? I had earned RM10k and I didn’t even realize it!! Boy, do I feel so terrible right now. I had opportunities to save more money and I did. not. save. much. If not any. Well, the best time to turn things around is NOW.

I have decided to make this video a week in advance (than I had originally planned) while I still had some extra ingredients leftover, like cheese, butter, cooking oil, and dishwashing liquid. Yes, dishwashing liquid. You can’t really do much if you have none of those to do your dishes, you know. Sure enough, this week’s groceries was an extra RM60. But that extra RM60 meant being able to stretch cheese and butter for an additional week, and oil and dishwashing liquid a lot longer, hopefully about a month or so, so I didn’t mind. Oh yeah, I also bought a bag of kibble for my cat.

Anyways.

Last week I managed to spend only about RM105. I say that because I realized much later that the cashier had missed scanning a few items. I pre-calculated that I was going to spend about RM125. So I had a pretty bad feeling about my math (I mean, it’s not great but I made sure even the taxes are calculated in so it shouldn’t be THAT bad). When I checked the receipt, she had missed out about 3-5 things. So I guess I was lucky in that sense.

I won’t be so lucky next time, I know.

So anyway, here are some of my ideas when I was planning my meals. I didn’t really stick to it but I made sure I cooked every day. Hard truth number two – not the best idea to go about this. I should have prepared more on my day off like pre-cut the veggies and group them in the same container for meals that have those ingredients. That could have saved me a tonne of time.

  1. Breakfast cups, 2 for each day
  2. Lettuce wraps (turned into chilli lime chicken salad because wraps was too much work to do at work)
  3. Tuna salad
  4. Veggie curry
  5. Chicken and broccoli stir-fry
  6. Stuffed chicken (instead, just plain ol roasted chicken with sauteed veggies)
  7. Eggplant Rollatini (didn’t happen. made some quiche-inspired thing, see below)

Hard truth number 3 – when listing out the grocery list, I realized I didn’t have to get as many items as I thought I needed. Well, thank God because my fridge is too small and now I don’t have to worry so much about the temperature in my fridge increasing. For example, I find myself needing only 1 cucumber as opposed buying to 2-3 like I used to. I used to always get at least 2 pieces (for lack of better word) of every kind of veggies that I was buying, and then I never really want to eat them. By getting only what I really need, I had no choice but to cook and eat it.

Hard truth number 4 – Eggs have easily become my quickest source of protein. Also cheaper. So in times of dire need (of more cash for other things), my knowledge of many different ways to cook and style an egg will increase. Maybe instead of Meatless Monday, it will become meatless week instead. Because sustaining a week with chicken can be a little too expensive. Had the cashier not missed some items, my grocery bill would’ve been a little too high for my monthly expenses. So, get cracking! (get it?)

Hard truth number 5 – seasoning is important. When trying to cooking 2 meals every day, it’s always easy to miss out on making sure my food taste good. Especially on the last day when I didn’t have time to make eggplant rollatini. I had all the ingredients but not enough cook time because I had to be at work pretty early that day so I just chop, cut, and dump everything in my glass containers, make an egg mixture that had no seasoning, pour it over the layers of veggies that also didn’t have any seasoning, then baked it. It was so horrifyingly bland that I almost felt nauseous trying to finish the second container. It was not yummy and satisfying.

Hard truth number 6 – portion-control is important. Ever since on the keto diet, I still have a hard time trying to get used to smaller portions because I still miss rice, noodles, and pasta a lot. The way to go about this is to eat more to replace the missing carbs. I mean, fat is more expensive so I’m still doing my best to keep up with my diet. But other than that, the smallest portion of food this week was my roasted chicken and sauteed veggies. Boy, was I hungry again 2 hours later.

Hard truth number 7 – stop snacking so much. 2 palms full is enough for the rest of the day. I have to continue reminding myself this otherwise I’m going to depend on it and have my insulin levels spike up unnecessarily.

So I made a little video documenting my eventful time in the kitchen for the last one week. While I had fun learning and coming up with new recipes, I’m just glad that I am able to feed myself and not fall into the temptations of conveniences. That said, I will get better at meal planning and hopefully, the next post about meal planning will be much better.

Otherwise, care to join me laughing at my own downfalls. See you next post!

I’m Doing A New Video Series!


All right guys, it’s time for me to properly grow up. Meal planning, grocery budgeting, bill filing… Sounds dreadful, isn’t it??? But it’s something that most of us have to deal with once we’ve reached a certain age. It’s even a bigger responsibility when you live on your own like I do. So, what’s so special about this video series?

Well. My monthly salary right now is RM2,200. Living in Kuala Lumpur is expensive. The ketogenic diet is expensive. Having homeowner fees are giving me a headache… What better way to deal with all of this than to make videos about them?! Ha.

Last year was a huge grown-up sesh for me. I learned that it is still possible to save money even with a salary of RM1725 after tax. Sure, that’s when I’m not investing into clothing and tools for work every other month, but when I’m forcing myself to spend only on necessities like food and petrol, I was able to put aside RM350 every month without fail.

That’s RM100 for any emergencies and the services for my car, RM250 for an untouchable account.

Pretty neat right?

So I thought, it wouldn’t be harder with a little bit of increment with my current full-time job. I say a little bit because there is a fair bit of payment on one particular category that I will talk about in the next video. Ha, shameless plug – stay tuned for that one!

Anyways, this is just a little intro blog post. There will be a video coming soon on what I have spent in January and my budgeting plans for February. Until then, check out my Instagram this week where I am posting about my lunch/dinner meals for 6 days this week. It’s a little behind the scene on what I meal plan.

Follow me on Instagram @melinya.

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018!


cheesy. it’s bound to happen.

Hey guys! Happy New Year!

I know, it’s been a crazy long time since I blogged. Don’t worry, I’m alive and ready. to. kick. IT!! Whatever that is haha.

How was your 2017? Good? Achieved anything? Did you meet your resolutions? Excited for the new year?? Don’t need to ask me. I haven’t blogged in a year. That speaks volume. Personally, I feel like I haven’t achieved anything in all of last year, but I do have two notable mentions.

  1. I adopted a cat. Me, someone who never grew up in a pet-centric household now has a cat.
  2. I was the Patch Master for 2017’s Good Vibes Festival. First time as a Patch Master with no prior experience, first time working at a festival.

Too cute to be angry at her lah. #nemo

A post shared by melinya sarah derich (@melinya) on

 

I recently quit my job as well, one that I’ve been at since August of 2016. Longest I’ve been with standing at almost 1 year and 5 months, but I find that it carries the same pattern as my last two full-time jobs. No proper chance for growth, same old routine. If you fancy getting full-time salary it might appeal to you. But unfortunately, I consider myself a creative person. I need a creative output (shout out to my last post!), a place for me to express my ideas, and also a bit more time and energy outside of work for me to actually do those things. So, I left.

I made a video earlier today where I talked about the top 10 things I learned in 2017. Most of them run quite deep, but they are also reminders from years back, simply resurfacing in 2017. Somehow, I manage to get myself involved with the same kind of people again. Can’t blame me, they all appear to be nice, understanding people at first,… Until you get to know them. Ah.

Well, the bright side here is that I made a video about it, alongside my 2018 goals. You can check it out here:

More videos to come! Definitely more blog posts too. This website is still under maintenance, but it’s the closest thing I can get it to look like the way I want it!

Keep an eye on updates – follow me on various social media platforms to ensure that you will never miss a post!

Creative Outputs and Where to Find Them


/not turning back on the title!

We’ve all been there. Writer’s block and all their relatives. And yet, we always forget that creativity can’t be forced. It has to come through inspirations or some form of motivation. Creativity also comes when you seek it, not when you’re waiting for it. Like it or not, creativity is an effort, not a gift. You may be gifted with talents, but unless you put your time into crafting your work, you’re not gonna go far with what you already have. It’s basically like investing.

For at least two months now, things have been quiet, work wise. My precious Macbook pro was away for longer than I remember because other things demanded more of my time and money that I would like. I’ve been happy, then unhappy, then happy again, and then finally, feeling lost. I started questioning everything around me like I usually would when I have all the free time in the world to sit down and think – what if. What if this, what if that. Nothing really comes out of them, but the questions were my muse. And then my phone became my occasional “solution”.

Until one day when I came into work. It just dawned on me – I’m creatively deprived and I’m unhappy. I need to do something. I want to do something.

It’s hard to explain the feeling when my work rarely demands creative (read: not innovative) outputs. I don’t freelance anymore and I’m a part of a somewhat rigid work system. My priorities have changed and I have to make an almost 180-degree shift in mindset for my job. But, I only felt the pang after things have quiet down for a long time and I cannot revert to The Sims 4, random music recordings or writing, and even making some random video that most likely will never end up anywhere on the world-wide web. Anything that I would’ve done to express myself creatively.

Not that I’m complaining, though. I love where I am in life so far, I just feel like I’m not much of myself lately and I don’t feel particularly ecstatic about it.

So here’s what I’ve started doing:

  1. Talk to some friends about it. Especially when they’re in the same line of work. Maybe, they share the same feeling. Talking things out tend to take half the load off your mind for a while, and then from here, you could either choose to continue with your life or set out a goal to meet.
  2. I didn’t really set any goals, but then I said yes to a project and surrounded myself with a different group of creative people, partially unrelated to what I do every day at work. Okay lah, 90% unrelated. But hey, it was what I used to do when I freelance, so why not. I got out of my routine and I actually enjoyed myself a lot. It was fun! Set out to do something that is out of your normal routine, even if you can’t think of a goal to achieve. Just do what is typically different from what you normally do.
  3. Looking for inspirations. Find out about what’s really up with me with Mr. Google. I haven’t really found anything yet, I just want to take a break from work and do something else first. That’s all I know now. Main thing is, you understand what is going on with yourself/life.

So today, for example, was the most mind-stimulating day for me. I haven’t felt like it in a while. Ideas after ideas just came to me, almost taking me away from reality in the midst of conversations among my friends. I was jotting away when more ideas stemmed from inspirations all around me. It was great. It felt great. All it take was for me to get out of my normal routine, the people I see almost every day, and being a part of a project that isn’t part of my job scope. I was even excited to fork out my savings to pay for my MBP’s graphics card when I was completely against this idea months ago! I was just on fire to get something done!!

Don’t believe me? Check out my new online personality name – mxll. I swapped the e for x. You still pronounce it “Mell”. And I am feeling content. I finally feel satisfied with my online personality name. If I’m going back to writing songs, this is what I’m gonna use from now on. I’m gonna be working on it as a brand, and I will carry it everywhere I go online. “news and shoes by mxll”. YAS.

There is a list of things that I’m going to do, or at least want to do before things get busy after Chinese New Year. I realized that a lot of things are just within reach the moment I stopped being a couch potato contemplating life. I’m a doer, but with seasons. Complications. But. I just wish I had taken my time more seriously when things were extremely quiet before I got my full-time job. I could’ve done a lot of things but I spent it all on sleeping, watching useless YouTube videos, and God knows what else. I can never get it back, and it sucks because I’m turning 24 soon and I don’t feel like I’ve done enough for myself.

But I don’t have time to regret. The project isn’t over yet and I’m getting my laptop back soon. Time to get to work!!

When do I get to believe the work I do is important to me?


i mean, i still don’t know.

after my last post, i lost track of time and just rolled with it. time, i mean. i was doing okay for a while, learning to bend my ego and accept things as they are, unless i need to speak up. speak up, that’s another thing i’ve learned too. starting a new job tends to intimidate me because many times i feel like speaking my mind up and…i just couldn’t. but i slowly learn how to. more importantly, when. there are many times i filter myself, out of fear, but in hopes that it does me good than harm.

filter. the word people use these days not as its original definition. and it’s something that i have been slowly doing since middle of this year. i’m sharing lesser and lesser each day about my life and my thoughts on social media. i left twitter in august, uninstalled facebook on my phone, and very occasionally on instagram for the pictures that i really, really want to share. i am taking a step back from everything to find back what drives me to wake up every day and do what i love. because i really don’t know.

i mean, if you want to talk about goals and everything, i will be very honest – to travel the world and raise a family. so what’s stopping me?

doubts.

questions.

the people around me.

sure, it’s easy to do the “ignore what they say and just do you” thing but the thing is, i haven’t decided what i believe to be the most important work in the world…..yet. i mean the things that i do now to meet my goals. travelling the world is cliché, i know, and raising a family doesn’t sound much like a goal but hey, these are what i really want to do in the future. everything else will be just hobby. i’m not depressed or short-sighted or anything, i just focus more on the now than i do on the future. what i decide now is basically what my future is going to look like.

so, what do i really want to do now? honestly – be a freelancer again – and that is only because i don’t have time to creatively express myself or even time to rest. not to be a negative nancy or anything but if you asked me 3 years ago what do i want to do every day my answer would have been work, because i saw myself as a workaholic even when i was a student. but work became an endless routine that didn’t really have a destination for me to go to so that slowly died and replaced with, you guessed it, laziness. i feel lost. i don’t want to waste my life away but this is honestly how i feel  – lost.

i have said the word honest like 4 times now.

i am doing what i can to improve in all areas at work; in administrations, leadership, and planning. i got myself started with a bullet journal system to organize my work, i learn to communicate better, and i am slowly taking up more responsibilities as a challenge as every day i am learning about my limits and then i push. this results in me becoming slightly less emotional in my decision-making and more….i guess you can say mature. meh

meh is how i feel. in true malaysian accent – doing all this for what? 

i don’t hate what i do. i actually love coming to work and i guess i’m saying all this is because i don’t know if what i’m doing now is for me or for my future. “me” and “my future” can be one and the same, but in this case, i’m talking more of “now” vs “my future”. like gah. i’m lost. i’m questioning everything. i can feel it in my bones that i am changing but i don’t know if it’s for better or for worse. i still feel like i’m going in circles even though some people would kill (lol pls don’t) to have a stable-income job like i have now over anything that they may want more than anything out there. i don’t even know what i truly want.

i’m not competitive in my work field and so that makes it seem like i’m uninterested.

this past week i got little sparks of inspirations and so i played a bit of music. that felt nice. 

so i guess my next step from here on is to convince myself that, if i want to be able to provide for my family one day, one of the ways to do it is to improve myself, earn XP points, and level up. questions will eventually lead to answers so there is no harm in trying out a few options before discovering the best way to overcome my problems. or so i tell myself. and maybe THEN i get to tell myself “hey, you’re finally able to call this your most important work in the world!” otherwise, along the way, i do hope to find where is it i want to go or what i want to do for the rest of my life. right now, it just feels like it’s the beginning of everything.

goals and passion


it’s like i don’t even know anymore.

this is an extended version of what i wanted to write in my bullet journal, but seeing as i intend to go deeper into this, pointers do only half the job. this is my (first) journal entry on the feelings and self-doubts that i have been having since working full-time and slowly leaving my freelancer life.

Δ i am scared.
Δ i am not good enough.
Δ i have no passion.
Δ i have no goal.

why do i feel and think this way?

ego.

to think that ego would make you feel and think otherwise…

the thing is, i don’t know when have i ever invited ego into my life. growing up, i had low confidence and near zero self-esteem, especially in schools. i don’t know when i have started thinking that i know it all. and yet at the same time, i constantly battle with “i’m not good enough”. because i know i have not reached a certain level of skill sets or standards that i tell myself all the time that i’m not good enough, and frankly, having written typing this down, i realize now that instead of praying over my mountain, i only ever speak about it. sometimes even brushing it aside temporarily.

my mountain is being lazy. no real efforts in learning and improving myself. that is what my ego is fed on. my view frame is small and near sighted. no further than trying to get through the day while completing only my task. what is my job scope? what are things that i need to do today? here? at this moment? can i go home and sleep now?

sigh.

my past freelance work comprises of 2 categories – touch ‘n go & big project(s). the touch-and-go ones are the most frequent ones, where the job scope is the same most of the time, and it’s usually a one-man job. the bigger projects need more time and extensive job scopes because they’re not always sound engineering. so what’s my problem here?

well, i say that i always dream of working with a team and not working by myself, but how far do i mean by that? like, why is it so easy for me to juggle between PR work, and then self-appointing myself as a production manager while running Front of House when I recognize the needs…. and yet, i fail to apply the same intensity when it comes to work lately, especially this morning. i seem to forget that we’re all on this same ship. we either sink or we work together, covering each other. although i had no intention of doing it, but i seem to deliberately let my teammates save me while i deliberately force myself to swim when i know i can’t.

so what’s my excuse here? i can think of a million reasons why the set up took us really long but that would take me right back to my ego.

so, here is what i can do;
→ i can annoy the shit out of everybody and start asking questions in areas that need my help.
→ i can slowly learn how to adjust my view frame and accept everything as my responsibility.
→ seriously put my phone away and stop having my brain from getting “bored” aka lazy.

aaaand i’ve only covered 1 point out of 4 thus far.

i never really had an real goal, and by that, i mean at least one that i’ve managed to keep up with. i know goals can change over time due to various circumstances and change of interests, but now, i feel like i have no passion to begin with, thus no solid plans for the future. at least, in terms of my career anyway. like, why am i here? what am i really good at that i can contribute to my team, my company?

this is where i sleep on my issues.

so, i’m scared. scared that i’ll still be doing this even when i’m married and planning to start a family with a salary that is less than ideal for more than one person. i need to first find out the root of my problems before it grows into a tree. being lazy is definitely it for now. i need to put on my A game and hustle through. it’s not enough to just say it.

sigh.

×i’m too sleepy to continue×