When do I get to believe the work I do is important to me?


i mean, i still don’t know.

after my last post, i lost track of time and just rolled with it. time, i mean. i was doing okay for a while, learning to bend my ego and accept things as they are, unless i need to speak up. speak up, that’s another thing i’ve learned too. starting a new job tends to intimidate me because many times i feel like speaking my mind up and…i just couldn’t. but i slowly learn how to. more importantly, when. there are many times i filter myself, out of fear, but in hopes that it does me good than harm.

filter. the word people use these days not as its original definition. and it’s something that i have been slowly doing since middle of this year. i’m sharing lesser and lesser each day about my life and my thoughts on social media. i left twitter in august, uninstalled facebook on my phone, and very occasionally on instagram for the pictures that i really, really want to share. i am taking a step back from everything to find back what drives me to wake up every day and do what i love. because i really don’t know.

i mean, if you want to talk about goals and everything, i will be very honest – to travel the world and raise a family. so what’s stopping me?

doubts.

questions.

the people around me.

sure, it’s easy to do the “ignore what they say and just do you” thing but the thing is, i haven’t decided what i believe to be the most important work in the world…..yet. i mean the things that i do now to meet my goals. travelling the world is cliché, i know, and raising a family doesn’t sound much like a goal but hey, these are what i really want to do in the future. everything else will be just hobby. i’m not depressed or short-sighted or anything, i just focus more on the now than i do on the future. what i decide now is basically what my future is going to look like.

so, what do i really want to do now? honestly – be a freelancer again – and that is only because i don’t have time to creatively express myself or even time to rest. not to be a negative nancy or anything but if you asked me 3 years ago what do i want to do every day my answer would have been work, because i saw myself as a workaholic even when i was a student. but work became an endless routine that didn’t really have a destination for me to go to so that slowly died and replaced with, you guessed it, laziness. i feel lost. i don’t want to waste my life away but this is honestly how i feel  – lost.

i have said the word honest like 4 times now.

i am doing what i can to improve in all areas at work; in administrations, leadership, and planning. i got myself started with a bullet journal system to organize my work, i learn to communicate better, and i am slowly taking up more responsibilities as a challenge as every day i am learning about my limits and then i push. this results in me becoming slightly less emotional in my decision-making and more….i guess you can say mature. meh

meh is how i feel. in true malaysian accent – doing all this for what? 

i don’t hate what i do. i actually love coming to work and i guess i’m saying all this is because i don’t know if what i’m doing now is for me or for my future. “me” and “my future” can be one and the same, but in this case, i’m talking more of “now” vs “my future”. like gah. i’m lost. i’m questioning everything. i can feel it in my bones that i am changing but i don’t know if it’s for better or for worse. i still feel like i’m going in circles even though some people would kill (lol pls don’t) to have a stable-income job like i have now over anything that they may want more than anything out there. i don’t even know what i truly want.

i’m not competitive in my work field and so that makes it seem like i’m uninterested.

this past week i got little sparks of inspirations and so i played a bit of music. that felt nice. 

so i guess my next step from here on is to convince myself that, if i want to be able to provide for my family one day, one of the ways to do it is to improve myself, earn XP points, and level up. questions will eventually lead to answers so there is no harm in trying out a few options before discovering the best way to overcome my problems. or so i tell myself. and maybe THEN i get to tell myself “hey, you’re finally able to call this your most important work in the world!” otherwise, along the way, i do hope to find where is it i want to go or what i want to do for the rest of my life. right now, it just feels like it’s the beginning of everything.