it’s like i don’t even know anymore.
this is an extended version of what i wanted to write in my bullet journal, but seeing as i intend to go deeper into this, pointers do only half the job. this is my (first) journal entry on the feelings and self-doubts that i have been having since working full-time and slowly leaving my freelancer life.
Δ i am scared.
Δ i am not good enough.
Δ i have no passion.
Δ i have no goal.
why do i feel and think this way?
to think that ego would make you feel and think otherwise…
the thing is, i don’t know when have i ever invited ego into my life. growing up, i had low confidence and near zero self-esteem, especially in schools. i don’t know when i have started thinking that i know it all. and yet at the same time, i constantly battle with “i’m not good enough”. because i know i have not reached a certain level of skill sets or standards that i tell myself all the time that i’m not good enough, and frankly, having
written typing this down, i realize now that instead of praying over my mountain, i only ever speak about it. sometimes even brushing it aside temporarily.
my mountain is being lazy. no real efforts in learning and improving myself. that is what my ego is fed on. my view frame is small and near sighted. no further than trying to get through the day while completing only my task. what is my job scope? what are things that i need to do today? here? at this moment? can i go home and sleep now?
my past freelance work comprises of 2 categories – touch ‘n go & big project(s). the touch-and-go ones are the most frequent ones, where the job scope is the same most of the time, and it’s usually a one-man job. the bigger projects need more time and extensive job scopes because they’re not always sound engineering. so what’s my problem here?
well, i say that i always dream of working with a team and not working by myself, but how far do i mean by that? like, why is it so easy for me to juggle between PR work, and then self-appointing myself as a production manager while running Front of House when I recognize the needs…. and yet, i fail to apply the same intensity when it comes to work lately, especially this morning. i seem to forget that we’re all on this same ship. we either sink or we work together, covering each other. although i had no intention of doing it, but i seem to deliberately let my teammates save me while i deliberately force myself to swim when i know i can’t.
so what’s my excuse here? i can think of a million reasons why the set up took us really long but that would take me right back to my ego.
so, here is what i can do;
→ i can annoy the shit out of everybody and start asking questions in areas that need my help.
→ i can slowly learn how to adjust my view frame and accept everything as my responsibility.
→ seriously put my phone away and stop having my brain from getting “bored” aka lazy.
aaaand i’ve only covered 1 point out of 4 thus far.
i never really had an real goal, and by that, i mean at least one that i’ve managed to keep up with. i know goals can change over time due to various circumstances and change of interests, but now, i feel like i have no passion to begin with, thus no solid plans for the future. at least, in terms of my career anyway. like, why am i here? what am i really good at that i can contribute to my team, my company?
this is where i sleep on my issues.
so, i’m scared. scared that i’ll still be doing this even when i’m married and planning to start a family with a salary that is less than ideal for more than one person. i need to first find out the root of my problems before it grows into a tree. being lazy is definitely it for now. i need to put on my A game and hustle through. it’s not enough to just say it.