maybe i’m just not cut out


i need somebody to help redefine the meaning of passion, because i’ve been stripped from it.

up until now, i have always known what i wanted to do. it has always been music. anything behind the scenes, some kind of support to push the industry….if you call me asking me to help i will not have second doubts. i’m beginning to think that the act of putting other people first has been compromising my vision – what i want for myself – and now i just don’t know what to do. it doesn’t help that it’s the first hour of shark week, i’m feeling a little bit all emotional, so maybe i’m just being dramatic.

sure, everybody has one of those days. a bad gig, maybe. i’ve never run away deliberately from something until just awhile ago. i feel like a coward. a loser. anything to be away from total embarrassment. i hate being adult sometimes. i hate to put up this “i know what i’m doing” face even though at times i have zero clue on what i’m doing, but as long as i carry my confidence badge and going through my list of “this will not get you in trouble” i am usual okay. tonight i was not. and it had to be two days after i was told that a rental company wouldn’t hire me because one of the bosses doesn’t like me.

don’t get me started on that one. ranted about it on twitter, so i’m not gonna start talking about it here.

maybe i’m just not cut out you know, to be a sound engineer. i tried. i’ve been learning. i’ve been teaching myself to work under pressure, to have things in control, but tonight, obviously i was not in control, else i wouldn’t be asked to step aside and give my job for the night so somebody better could take over. i could think of a million reasons why things went wrong tonight but it’s just not worth it. i couldn’t stay anymore. i’ve lost my place. i had to leave. i can’t even begin to describe how embarrassed i felt when i was stripped of what i was putting so much effort into, but it’s just not enough.

you can’t compare someone with less than two years of field experience to someone who brags about having 6-10 years of experience. i was given a chance, and i proved to them that i could do it during sound check, minus one percussion player. don’t get me started on that one. she’s a picky person when it comes to the sound of her cajon. the one person i worried the most was the one who couldn’t make it for sound check. anyway, turns out, the biggest feedback tonight wasn’t from the usual culprit – vocal effects – but rather, the overhead mic. and the feedback came from the house, which never got me to think that it would feed from the monitor since i didn’t send any.

excuse my train of thoughts.

i don’t think being fired is the big problem here. this whole emotional, self-doubt journey started when i mixed my first big show, at the same venue, by the same company. things just snowballed from there. which got me thinking – maybe i should just take a break. quit sound engineering for awhile and focus more on PR, marketing, and managing work. engage with my surrounding more and teach myself to be more attentive. one thing about diagnosing yourself with having ADHD, you find yourself always being trapped in your own world, juggling between fantasy and reality. my mind’s not focused on live sound, at least not in the mixing department. i can run, think, and manage well on behalf of and for everybody, but i just can’t mix.

no, i haven’t gotten better at all. so i’m going to take a break. not entirely; i still need to earn some income. but i’m gonna focus more on the administrative and public relations side of things.

this is me simply hoping that it’s just the period cramps talking, because i feel done. i’m done.

 

(this blog is written purely from my frame of thoughts with zero editing. excuse the mistakes.)