The Art of Noble Douche


Closure. For many years I was battling with facts vs imaginations, and today I finally got the chance to feel like I can breathe again. My heart is lighter. I am able to forgive and love. I am able to rebuild the broken bridges. I wasn’t waiting, but after today, it felt like the wait is over. This is over.

And now, I’m going to teach you the art of Noble Douche.

  1. Don’t be specific with your answers. Have other people guess and then get mad at them for being so clueless with your vague answers.
  2. Always be right, and always be confident about it. Everybody else is wrong. And then convince people that you are right.
  3. Be everybody’s best friend, but treat your girl/boyfriend like crap behind your friends’ back. While you’re at it, spend more time with your friends than your significant other.
  4. Oh, oh, tell everybody your significant other is being difficult because they cannot understand why you’re being mad at them for being frustrated at you for yelling at them, being stubborn and arguing with them, instead of talking things out when you could.
  5. Complaint about everything. Nothing is perfect right?
  6. Tell everyone, but the person you’re having problems with, about your problems with the person. They don’t need to know. They’re not important.
  7. Never own up to your mistake. You’re always right, remember? Just walk away. Nothing to see here.
  8. Make promises, and then break them. Because you can do whatever the hell you want. No one can tell you otherwise.
  9. Start a group project, and then leave it halfway. Again, no one can tell you otherwise. Have someone else do it for you while you’re away.
  10. Tell people that you’ll be fine and then burst out at them out of nowhere for not understanding that you have a lot of things to do and people are just bunch of nuisance.
  11. Make someone feel like they’re the most important person in the world and then decided one day that maybe they’re not. Meh. Whatever.
  12. Pull pranks on people but gets mad at them when they pull a prank on you. Like, how dare they?!

While you’re doing all these things, give the most honourable reasons that you can think of. Your friends will understand. Really. Just tell them that you have a change of heart when you can’t keep your promises anymore. Or that you didn’t realize that you were making mistakes because no one told you about it in the first place. Can’t continue the project anymore due to commitments? Yeah, totally. They don’t believe you? It’s okay, just keep talking until they don’t wanna hear you talk anymore. Now you don’t have to deal with them ever again!

Ah sarcasm. I’ve lost my touch with it because people actually would feel like punching me in the face for it. It’s not the things I say, really. It’s the face that comes with it, because expressions are NOT something that I’m good at controlling. So to keep things at a minimum rage, I have trained myself to speak less, thus be sarcastic even lesser. How did I do though? Did I do okay with the list? Hahah.

Anyways. Once upon a time I used to look up to someone, and because he’s so great and everything, I used to think that I wasn’t good enough and that I’ll never be good at all. This person was my teacher, but he taught me nothing to improve myself, rather, I was questioning everything down to my existence. Nah, I wasn’t suicidal. I just didn’t know what I was doing with my life. He was no less my best friend, yet I’d questioned my faith in him, and regret it soon after, because maybe, just maybe, I’m only overreacting. Overthinking.

Today, after 2 years, I finally got my closure, and it’s not even from him. I’ve forgotten how to love, to forgive and forget, until I took the time to sit down with my iced coffee and a plate of waffles, shared between 2 friends. One of them being his best friend, who only after being friends with his new girlfriend, got a taste of what he is truly like behind her back. And that’s the thing; he’s fooled everybody long enough because he’s a different person behind all of his friends’ back. Bloody noble two-faced douche.

Right. Sorry. Rant over. We’re good.

How to avoid these kind of people:

  1. Reality check, if you’re too deep into your friendship, just hang out with them less.
  2. If you ever feel like they’re the first person you’ll turn to for help, look for someone else immediately.
  3. Don’t know how to get out of your one-sided conversations? Just stop them mid way and run. THEY’LL NEVER REALIZE IT’S THEM.
  4. Put your headphones on when you’re near them or when they’re nearing you. Better yet, just don’t be anywhere near them at all.
  5. Don’t feel offended by their backstabbing remarks, because they are more likely to be talking about themselves than you.

Now this reminds me of the story of the boiling frog syndrome.

In the 1990s, it was used as a metaphor about inaction in response to climate change and staying in abusive relationships. – Wikipedia

These kind of people, they don’t make you realize how you feel until you take a step back, trying to analyze what the hell is going on. You will feel frustration, demotivation, sometimes even demoralized, but you don’t know it until you’ve finally decided that maybe, just maybe you should stop tolerating it.

Anyways, they’re not bad people. Just not the best people to keep in your life. You can still be friends, help out when you can, but just don’t tolerate bullshit, whatever the definition may be for you. Keep your head up and breathe. Let’s move on! 🙂

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