initially titled being alone vs feeling lonely.
i am weird. i don’t like eating alone, i don’t like going to the movies alone, and i especially do not like shopping by myself. but when i do have somebody with me, i almost rather be in my own mind frame than to make the effort to start a conversation. yeah, i might as well be alone in the first place if i’m not gonna socialize, right? uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh
see, i’m trying to put some meat on the bones here, because this may be the case.
i don’t like the idea of feeling lonely. like, wouldn’t it be nice if i could have anybody with me that i could talk to, or insert some random remarks about the dress that i could never afford and H&M, or how the other day my friend took me to this one restaurant for lunch and it wasn’t a great experience, or to simply just have a person next to me when i’m browsing for books at Borders.
what if this feeling of loneliness derives from the paranoia of not having someone there to back me up when i’m needed? like, when i don’t carry enough cash on me when i’m out and/or i’m super hungry? when i’m not driving and is looking for a ride to hitch? when i’m not well and could barely move but is in need of medication? you know what i’m saying? i just hate worrying.
so, i tend to behave this way – always carrying extra, extra cash on me, especially for emergencies (definition is by current situation), making sure that i’ll always have enough gas for the week (so when i know that somebody needs a ride, i’ll be more than happy to offer). i’m always not well every day so it’s something that i cannot really change. lol. but bottom line, i would go to great lengths to make sure i have nothing to worry about in my every day life.
and that’s how i live. it’s not exactly a fulfilling way to live but the result is one that i’m always after. i basically want to live a carefree live but we all know that’s impossible. i’m not filthy rich to begin with LOL
sidenote; does money take away all of your worries though? i don’t know. it’s still a controversial topic till this day. it really depends on how dependant you are on it.
either way, maybe i’m just thinking too much. i’m just a bit down because it seems that the dry season is slowly creeping up on me. i’m feeling a bit bored and uninspired, and this post is a prime outcome. there is nothing new and exciting in my life that i am recycling old thoughts. what have i learned in the last few days/weeks? nothing.
i haven’t been challenged and i’m falling back down to comfort. it is not the worst feeling in the world but it’s definitely not my favourite. (yes i get that it doesn’t fall into the category of emotions but it is something that i feel. lack of success and uncreative.)
i’m gonna read up and learn stuff, hopefully to come up with new works. wish me luck?