one good thing upon learning about this is that, i might just live up to 80 years old.
so yesterday i was watching a video by Anna Akana and her friend Kalel. they were talking about the reasons why they can’t stay single, despite making a public announcement about their commitments to stay single for a year. or at least, i knew about Anna’s, and sure enough, a few months after that, we, the viewers, started seeing more of her current boyfriend in her videos and so people were starting to wonder if she was ever serious with her earlier commitment to stay single.
i’m just gonna assume that she made this video to explain all that.
last night, i was working at the bee jaya one for the feedback open mic. like most open mics, besides just simply setting up and do rough mixes during the performances, you don’t really get to do much. the job is more on the passive side and i can get bored at times. a friend moved his seat to the one behind me and said something along the lines of, “it must get pretty lonely sometimes doing this kind of job. reading a book would just seem so unprofessional.”
i was thinking more of the nature of my line of work, and what he said is true. sure, reading a book or going through your phone doesn’t seem professional, but i can’t help it if i need something to fill up my mind that aren’t exactly the mental pictures that i would feed myself from time to time when i am alone with them. and that, exactly is what happened when i was driving back home after work at 1.30am.
you see, i blame my last relationship for whatever that i am feeling and going through in my life now. i have stopped tolerating bullshit. if it is not worth my time, i would drop everything and move on to another. i will only care more about myself – my strengths and weaknesses – while spending time with the people who would actually cared. i have no space for the people who i don’t vibe for pure chemistry reasons, but would still be opened to actually trying to socialize if i have the will to.
no, it’s not that i don’t like you. if we don’t vibe, we don’t vibe.
my heart breaks have seen more adventures than i’ll ever do on my own… but they carry an extend of circumstances. and that’s the thing. ever since my last relationship failed, i’ve been constantly filling up my little empties with things that i thought could fulfil me. i have let myself to constantly be busy and distracted so i don’t have to attend to the little holes in my heart. my 2015 goals are basically “things to do in 2015 so you don’t get bored with life”.
i don’t know what i want, and that is as honest as i can get at this point of time. but i do know what i don’t want – feeling lonely. feeling like i have no shoulder to cry on. feeling like no matter what i do, it will never be enough. these are simply not the best kinds of feelings to have and i just don’t like them.
is it really quarter-life crisis? maybe. to some extend.
i’m in this awkward stage of life. even more so awkward than being a teen. a lot of my
friends acquaintances are in their final year/semester of college and here i am, a full on working adult with responsibilities. i know what i love doing and it is something that i will never have to change in the long run. but i’m just highly dissatisfied with where i am in life. this is, no doubt, a dilemma.
it’s really funny though; just last week uncle cliff was telling me that my life has been a lot more interesting since my days of working full time in two establishments. i will admittedly say that i am a lot happier now that i have full control of my life, steering it however and when i want, wherever i want to go. but something is missing, and i don’t know what!
do i need a boyfriend? i don’t know. a week after my birthday these year, i would have been single for 2 years. can i really be the strong, independent woman who i have set out to be? i don’t know. i mean, i still dream of getting married at 24 and having a pair of twins by 26 with a career path that i know i will always be happy with. so “need” may not be the word that would associate with my current disposition. it’s more of want.
but i don’t want to feel like i’m dependent on someone. eew pls.
and then there’s my constant/on-going agitation when it comes to failing and making the wrong decisions in life. what ifs. too many what ifs.
what if i’m just so bad at socializing i will never get better? what if i’m actually bad at what i’m doing but everybody is too kind to tell me? what if i become forever alone and will never be content with my life?
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
i’m also bored of my friends. don’t take this out of context – i love them to death! – but there comes a time (and a lot of it these days) where i feel like i’d rather be alone, or have only one specific person that i can have deeper conversations with every now and then and my former partner was exactly that person. but you know, people have their own shit to deal with, and so i really hate being a burden to anybody. BUT, it’s always nice to have someone who you can just (conceptually) crawl up to, lie on their lap and being able to share the silence without feeling awkward, at the same time, able to talk about just anything.
i need my person. need. yes, that’s one thing that i know that i will always need.
will road trips/travelling cure everything? i don’t know. and i will never know because i will never have the kind of funds to go anywhere further than KL on my own. i have made a travel itinerary for when i get to go to Singapore, but everything is just getting so expensive these days the last thing that i wanna do is to burden my parents for extra funds. saving for emergency funds is much more of a priority and necessity these days. you’ll never know what’s going to happen.
and yet i envy those who have the
privileges opportunities to travel outside of Malaysia.
when i was in my early teens, i had a bio book where i had requested every one of my friends to write their bio down so i could get to know them better and faster. in one of the page, my friend Jalani wrote his favourite quote in his native tongue, “life is like a white canvas. it is up to you to colour however you want”. at this point, i don’t know what i want to do as i’ve already done most of what i’ve wanted to do. i have my creative outlet(s) and my friends who would always support me, things that i wished i had when i was in college. so, how else can i paint my white canvas?
that’s it. that’s the big question. knowing that i have what i have always wanted to have but not knowing where to go next. i’m happy, but just feeling a little on the dissatisfaction side of life.
maybe i’m just thinking too much.