What the heck was that, brain? I would not call that sleep. Unacceptable. And couldn’t you have chosen someone else to dream of? Seriously!
She struggles to take a breath. Crap, it’s already 7. Ah, my head! The pain was throbbing from the sides of her skull and her scalp. She was convinced. Must be from the lack of sleep. After all, four hours of half-sleeping will never be enough for her. But that wasn’t all that gave her the headaches.
Did I really just dream of him twice within the span of four hours? She sighed. After all this time, she was still having recurring nightmares of the one that she thought she would spend the rest of her life with. It’s been a fucking year and three months, brain. You can do better than this. Teamwork; that’s all there is to it. She sighed again. She finds her phone and started typing.
Just dreamt of you. Again. You would think that with the amount of distractions I’ve given myself I’d eventually forget about you and move on. But, no. I’ve actually been doing great so far until last night so you must have still mean a great deal to me. But, you know. Whatevs.
She hits send and got up from her bed, disgruntled and famished.
Cooking is her favourite therapy. Although she wasn’t exactly cooking that morning, she found peace just from spreading butter on slices of baguette, to be toasted in the oven. But, she wasn’t exactly patient either. She left the oven at a slightly higher temperature, which led to a few pieces of burned toasts. Some, with burned sides. Life doesn’t like me right now. I just know it.
Iced tea and burned toasts, not what she had in mind before falling asleep. She anticipated the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, followed by the fluffiness of griddle-pan waffles topped with sunny-side up eggs and bacon on the side, much like her usual favourite – pancakes and eggs. She did get a cup of Sumatra coffee on-the-go from the opposite café upon realizing she had arrived at work on time, but earlier than everyone else. No idea what this is but coffee is coffee. Please love me today.
Her phone buzzed.
Hey. I know things haven’t been easy for you too but holding on to the past is never going to be a good thing. And, no. I’m not the kind of guy with hopes that you still think about me. I hope you can keep moving on and work towards a better life. I know it’s not easy but please try. I wish you the best of luck in anything that you’re going to go through in the future. You always could do it without my help. You’re stronger than you think.
Fuck. Her little heart yells. Her hands shaking, body shivering. Her eyes began brimming, but she managed to gather all the strength that she could muster. After a fucking year? After all that yelling, telling me that you never wanted to talk to me anymore, this is the best that you could say? My messages were left never replied and you never once had the decency to even pick my calls, even if it’s work-related! She never thought his first reply after 10 months of silence would infuriate her. But it did.
She started composing her words in her head. After a couple of breaths, she began typing.
Serious shit, I’m getting emotional Just getting this after one year. Are we seriously becoming strangers, after everything that we’ve been through?? And I’m trying! You know full well that I am. Last night was just….one of those rough nights. But whatevs. Go kick ass in your life too. I still wish I could be in it. Miss you always x
Send. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. This is going to mess me up all day. Fuck.
She quickly scans through her contact list, looking for a shoulder to cry on. Micah!
She took a screenshot of their conversation and sends it over to Micah, with a few more messages describing her confused & mixed-feelings situation.
“This is just an illusion, right?”
“I don’t think so. It was pretty heartfelt. But um, I’m going to be driving for about 2 hours with him today. 4, if you include the return trip.”
“Of course the person that I wanna talk to the most about this HAS to be the guy that will be spending time with him!”
“I’ll shut up. I won’t do anything.”
“Could you buy him a bar of Toblerone, though? The white ones. I’d pay you back.”
“Kinda doesn’t go with whatever was in that message, don’t you think?”
“No message. Just a bar of chocolate. He will never figure it’s me.”
“I’ll confuse him with an illusion. I’ll talk to you tonight?”
“Thanks, Mike. I owe you a million. :)”
She sighed. I’m back to reality.
Reality is when she goes back to work, pretending that none of the morning scenes ever happened.
Reality is when she argues with her priorities, and makes a trip down to where she was needed the most, succeeded in fixing other people’s problems but her own.
Reality is crying her eyes out from keeping the emotions in longer than she could hold them, while driving back to her first workplace.
Reality is when she pens her thoughts in lyrical form, feeling lonely in a room full of people, and at the same time loved and cared for by the people that she now calls her new family.
Reality is when her hoodie smells like cigarettes and she wishes that it smells like him instead.
Reality is when she shuts the world out at the end of the night with hopes to return the next day, continuing her services to the people, better than ever.
I really want my waffles though. She muttered, half-asleep.