hardest lessons in life


one of the biggest loss i have this past month was to let go of my best friend for good after a tormenting one and a half month of realizing it was never healthy to keep the relationship in secret. it was hard because, that special spark was there, only for the both of us, and after awhile it got harder for me because the reality was that we cannot afford to publicly show it again in relation to having it developed further. because of that, i always felt like it wasn’t fair at all to either of us; that we had to go through a very difficult phase in life in such a way that maybe a complete time out would make the world a happier place.

i get attached too quickly and very easily. i always find it very frustrating whenever i make the extra effort to keep some people in my life but they don’t feel or agree the same way. growing up and moving around town and between states made me less of a friendlier person and it has taken me a good 3.5 years to slowly learn to love and accept other people just the way there are but the level of expectation tends to ride along with that. lately i’ve been realizing that i don’t keep the people in my life because of who they are, but rather, who i’d expected them to be.

tonight, i had asked myself these questions… how do couples know when to take the big leap in life by settling down and have kids? when do they actually agree on it together? what if one gets too ambitious on the wedding details and another just decides it was too much to handle?? who how why what when which WERE there any mutual feelings at all or was it  always one-sided?!

being “the paranoid one” in a relationship, i have to know. it scares me to death if i didn’t, and overtime i just got more and more frustrated. i’m just a frustrating person to be with end of story.

i’ve just resigned from ICOM, and my last day of work will be the 20th of this month. i have no degree, don’t know where to go, what to do and if you guys are still wondering, i’ll tell you what i told my lecturers after i learned that i was going to graduate… “i have no idea but i’m excited.”

YOU SEE THE POSITION THAT I’M IN?!!!

lesson #1: i’m only 20. i’ve yet to experience half the things that i’ve been dreaming of so worrying about anything at all doesn’t make a difference! i may have all the liberty in the world to care for someone or something, but unless i stopped worrying, i won’t be able to get it (the worrying) out of my way while trying to keep moving forward!

lesson #2: if anyone wants me in their life, they’ll make the effort to keep me around. i shouldn’t have all the reasons to feel like i need to fight for my rights & a special place in their life. a good relationship shouldn’t require forced chemistry.

when i was sending in my resignation, i was surprise at how well i handled myself. i expected myself to cry and be emotional about leaving the one place i had called my second home for 2.5 years, i did not, even for a second doubted that it was time to say goodbye. to everyone, every facilities, opportunities, memories that i’ve grown accustomed to reliving and revisited day after day, semester after semester. it was the place that i grew up from being a teenager to a working adult within a short period of time.

i had gone through a lot of level of disappointment when working growing up in ICOM. but at the end of the day, i told my boss that i wasn’t resigning with regret and dissatisfaction. it was just time to say goodbye. T.T 😥

lesson #3: the greatest pleasure in life comes in the simplest form of measure. good food after a long day at work is a must. even my supervisor slash mentor aka mr v recommends it!

lesson #4: know that by the end of the day, if no one thanks or praises me for my hardwork, i am entitled to my own hot chocolate and a scrumptious banana walnut muffin! (plus a pat on the back). i deserve all the love that i can get.

lesson #5: learn to let go even if it’s the hardest thing to do. you will know when it is time.

all in all, i feel blessed to be able to reach this far in life. here’s to another 20 years of meeting extraordinary people, amazing opportunities and incredible places to be at. here’s to LIFE!

pisang falls, gombak.
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