despite the amount of workload that i have to finish by the end of the week, i actually enjoyed lifting cabinets and sorting out files today; it’s like going back to my first day of work here. it takes time; been months since i felt this way…. not to mention the most heartbreaking breakup i’ve ever gone through that made me pause on my life for awhile until i decided it’s time i put aside the memories and change everything that relates to him.
no, i’m not trying to run, just trying not to think of him and then worry if he’s eaten, or if he’s had enough sleep, or if he’s got a lot of work to do etc… it helps, definitely, to a point that i’m slowly going towards the direction of only thinking of myself more now. i’d hate to think that it’s a little selfish to do so, especially now that i’ve decided that it’s best if i keep the social interactions (around college) to a minimum just so i don’t feel like i’m being left out whenever i’m not invited to anything no thanks to my curfew and my work.
i have abandonment issues. something that i’ve been dealing with ever since i became the eldest child. having 3 other siblings after me, the only thing that kept me companied was music; hours and hours perfecting my skills in guitar, transcribing songs after songs, trying my best to figure out the chords without having to look up online (only because internet was ceased to exist when i first started learning guitar)…. my only talent in making friends is by telling them that i can play music. music was all i ever had. and now music will be the only thing i’ll ever have.
there, i said it.
why music? we don’t live on this earth by ourselves; we can’t.
yes. i understand every bit of truth in that, but personal relationship is a two-way thing. i’m tired of doing my part if the other party just doesn’t feel the same. i don’t like labeling who is my friend and who isn’t, but if you don’t wanna be my friend then i won’t call you my friend. we can be just acquaintances. i’m more than okay with that. if you need me, i’ll be here. i’ll always be here. i can’t promise to always be there for you, but i’ll always try my best to ease your pain, or find a way to get out of your problem. i’ll never leave anyone hanging. because i know what it feels like when someone just doesn’t want to make the effort to actually help out and just brushes off like that. it’s very frustrating when you’re turning to someone for help, you expect them to at least figure something out and then they just don’tttttt. ugh
again, we don’t live on this earth by ourselves, therefore you cannot expect people to go by your set of rules and regulation, or even time! you will lose everything before you even know it. to avoid that, you must first not lose yourself. always take a step back and remember why and how you got this far. has things been tough for awhile or has it just begun?
when i couldn’t go to the boyfriend for advises, i went to two other people for a different view in life. one was a long time supporter and friend, another was a studio owner and award-winning engineer. not my peers, not my family. after talking to my friend, i spent time crying and just pouring out to God about everything. from already my life falling apart to my relationship with my-then boyfriend fallen apart i really couldn’t bear anymore disappointments. i boldly told God that if me and JD are meant to be (in terms of working), He was to bless our meeting and open up opportunities for me to move on towards His plans.
my life was slowly falling into place but it wasn’t enough. i wasn’t taking charge. i was almost just waiting for things to happen. i had to do something.
i took another Friday off from work. i went to TAR College with my violinist friend, ecstatically told God that “i’m not entirely confident about studying again but this sure feels right????”. we spent an hour roaming the campus and after awhile my friend became more and more excited than me lol! later that night, i went to studio 21:05. out of our meeting, the plan is that i intern with him once in awhile until i am confident in my work and then i’ll be on a part-time basis. at the same time, i get to use his studios for my own personal projects, with a fair share of profit.
it was still not enough. ha
of course, being 20 means you have all the energy in the world to do as much as you can, while you can. so far, i’ve been spending the last two sundays recreating my space in my room. i’ve squeezed in a computer table so i could fix a place for my mac and my mbox. i love the way it turned out; the space between the table and the end of my bed is so close that you don’t need a chair to sit on… which means i can lie on my bed anytime i want whenever i feel tired! :’D
my new space is almost done now. mom got me a notice board and a collage frame for me to decorate even more. soon, it’ll be a personal working space. i will have lesser sleep…..muahahahhaha 😀
so far i am content. i don’t regret anything that has happened up to this point. what’s important now is that i know that nothing waits for me in the past, but the future that God has set for me. whatever my work is, it will be worthwhile as long as i learn to enjoy it, no matter how i used to think of it. the trick is that once you already set your mind on it, you will have complete (or no) power over anything. everything comes down to you. do you want to be sorrow over a small part of your life, or do you want to be able to have complete power over your life after knowing that you can easily turn a situation around?
your call. 🙂