pesky (insert word here)

how do you not blow up when you’re on the verge of blowing up in pestering situations?

it’s hard, i know. it’s almost impossible trying to keep yourself calm before losing everything. all of your words, your fickle thoughts, your judgmental opinions, hanging so loosely at the tip of your tongue; how do you keep everything inside of you?! HOOOOOOOOWWWWWW?!

it all begins with your first boiling point. like a kettle whistling away when the water has reached its boiling point, that is your first warning. someone said something that pissed you off. it wasn’t just any something that made your head turned, but something that kinda went against what you believe, almost backfired but still under control. whatever, they don’t know what they’re talking about. pfft

and then you thought it’s just a one-off thing.

that thought ^ is the only reason the next few ones are nuisances to a point you can’t even. you may have not realized it, but it’s only because you let the first lash scream at you face-front even if the scream is silent. that silence, the thoughts at the back of your mind, it pierced through your fragile soul and it’s the last thing that you need when dealing with pesky (insert word here).

as long as you keep letting it bothering you, eventually you will either break down like a pussy or you will start yelling like a maniac.

pfffft. easier said than done.

growing up, it has never been easier trying to fulfill every expectation everyone has of me. i thought what they wanted for me was what i’m supposed to do, like a robot with simple commands i just did “everything right” up until i was 15. every decision i made after that was being judged, nothing i do would ever please them, every comment made stings and scars never went away like they were meant to stay forever. i became a moody 18-year-old with uncontrollable temper.

my worst habit? i become a bitch once fatigue sinks in. and then my attitude starts rolling and making a scene. when i’m pissed, i’d make sure everyone else would feel horrible too. to make my point that i’m not satisfied, i’d give everyone the silent treatment, the are you kidding me face when “necessary”.

it’s taking me almost a year now trying to start everything from ground up. talking with the boyfriend today makes me realized how much of a patient punching bag he’s been for me. i don’t have anyone to turn to (and never will do) mostly because of their matter-of-fact answers that leaves me without at peace and more of well thank you for judging me, i’m sorry i’m not as smart as you, i just don’t know how to deal with this, ok?¬†inner-self destruct.

“depends on how you think. if you think negative, you won’t be able to do anything but blowing up. don’t let your anger control you. done.”

the irony.
the irony.

songs i listened to:
Survival by Muse
Panic Station by Muse
Supremacy by Muse
Uprising by Muse
Plug In Baby by Muse
Take Me Somewhere Nice by Mogwai
Pretty Face by Soley
Clementine by Sarah Jaffe
I’ll Never Forget You by Birdy
One Top of The World by Imagine Dragons
Demons by Imagine Dragons


Author: melinya

one day, i wanna wake up, pack my stuff and just go on a random trip.

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