loving the title. ha x
chronologically, i’m going to start this post with this video; (obviously)
i’m slowly gaining back my confidence, and how i became confident before starting to college was putting up my stuff online, be it covers or originals, on Facebook or YouTube. i was really active during the first 6 months in 2011, until college started and i felt that everyone else was no doubt better than me. not too long after that, the only original songs i ever confidently put up on Facebook/YouTube were That Smirk & The Wait, respectively.
and then assignments started to pile up, emotions got complicated, being a perfectionist became more and more ridiculous. etc etc
i lost myself along the way. more importantly, the passion that i had in me before starting college. i didn’t just do YouTube because everyone else was doing it. heck, i was the only one brave enough to embarrass myself with my covers and songwriting that i couldn’t care less if i get 100% thumbs down on my videos. i did them because i loved doing them, and i intended to work hard and get better by doing them as much as i can.
lately i’ve been trying to pick myself up. it’s hard when you have your ego right in your face telling you that you will never be amount. it’s even harder when your boyfriend tries to convince you time after time that all i need to do is to know what i’m doing and i haven’t got a single clue of what i should do…… and then i become be like everybody else, circling around waiting for something to happen.
this past week was crayyyyyy though.
the day after i did that ^ cover, i walked to the nearest saloon around my housing area and got my hair trimmed because i’ve been wanting to get a haircut for quite some time but never did because of past experiences with hair dressers. *shrugs* i told the guy how i wanted my hair to be done and this is what he did.
not what i wanted, but it was a major change. (Y)
and then monday came – everyone thought i straightened my hair but ok – i had a long talk with a close friend during lunch and basically, it was a very touching conversation. long story short, he said “i want the old may back, the one that’s always passionate about the works that she does” and i just broke down crying there and then. because. someone asked me “where is the may that i know that is always passionate about music?” a little over two years ago.
later that night i talked to the boyfriend, telling him about a number of things that i had in mind, asking him for opinions, and of course, patiently he advised me little by little, making sure that i don’t miss out on anything this time. at the end of everything, he offered me a hug, and again i just broke down crying. i’ve never been so grateful in my life.
tuesday was hell. i had to go through every single mistake that i made in the last month and almost every breath i just feel like cursing over the little details that i overlooked. i prayed to God for a miracle and God came through with it. until i stumbled upon another little detail that should’ve not been there if it weren’t for my carelessness. UGH. nonetheless, the day ended well and i treated myself with Spicy Chicken McDeluxe and a pat on the back. phew
WEDNESDAY on the other hand was apparently random day. while stalking around my friend’s Facebook, i found out that Frontera was having another round of open mic session next wednesday (which is obviously this coming wednesday). literally immediately after i finished reading about it i clicked “join”. there was zero hesitation in my decision and i was just head over heels about it that i couldn’t wait to prepare my setlist. too many ideas floating through my mind that night that i had to force myself to go to bed lol.
that is, until i found out that i need to stay back for work till after 10 on that day itself…. boo.
a few days after that went back to normal, but i told myself to work harder than i have never been before and it didn’t take me much persuasion because i learned to love my job in a different perspective. although unrelated, i told myself, if i had done a job well done that day, i will reward myself with some “me time” when i get home, even if it’s just an hour early to bed, and not beating myself up for the things i hadn’t done. as long as some things on my to-do list get crossed-off, i will not let past disappointments get to me.
that, ladies and gentlemen, is the downside of being a perfectionist; you just don’t know how to forgive yourself.
(to be continued)