one of my favourite email so far.

i asked two friends of mine if they have any digital copies of my old recordings back when i used to write a lot. i accidentally deleted one of my songs of which i wrote based on my friend’s book and i really wanted to keep a collection of my songs for future references. so.

chip – my friend whose book became my source of inspiration – said she found it and so i asked her to email it to me. at first i thought she meant the recording of it….until i opened the email.

Screen Shot 2013-03-29 at 3.04.40 PM

….type it out?

IMG_3340 IMG_3341 IMG_3342 IMG_3343

chip, you are the sweetest human being ever. never thought that you’d keep a copy of the originally handwritten lyrics. me loves you ❤

It’s TIME – part 1

loving the title. ha x

chronologically, i’m going to start this post with this video; (obviously)

i’m slowly gaining back my confidence, and how i became confident before starting to college was putting up my stuff online, be it covers or originals, on Facebook or YouTube. i was really active during the first 6 months in 2011, until college started and i felt that everyone else was no doubt better than me. not too long after that, the only original songs i ever confidently put up on Facebook/YouTube were That Smirk & The Wait, respectively.

and then assignments started to pile up, emotions got complicated, being a perfectionist became more and more ridiculous. etc etc

i lost myself along the way. more importantly, the passion that i had in me before starting college. i didn’t just do YouTube because everyone else was doing it. heck, i was the only one brave enough to embarrass myself with my covers and songwriting that i couldn’t care less if i get 100% thumbs down on my videos. i did them because i loved doing them, and i intended to work hard and get better by doing them as much as i can.

lately i’ve been trying to pick myself up. it’s hard when you have your ego right in your face telling you that you will never be amount. it’s even harder when your boyfriend tries to convince you time after time that all i need to do is to know what i’m doing and i haven’t got a single clue of what i should do…… and then i become be like everybody else, circling around waiting for something to happen.

this past week was crayyyyyy though.

the day after i did that ^ cover, i walked to the nearest saloon around my housing area and got my hair trimmed because i’ve been wanting to get a haircut for quite some time but never did because of past experiences with hair dressers. *shrugs* i told the guy how i wanted my hair to be done and this is what he did.

Photo on 3-17-13 at 6.14 PM

not what i wanted, but it was a major change. (Y)

and then monday came – everyone thought i straightened my hair but ok – i had a long talk with a close friend during lunch and basically, it was a very touching conversation. long story short, he said “i want the old may back, the one that’s always passionate about the works that she does” and i just broke down crying there and then. because. someone asked me “where is the may that i know that is always passionate about music?” a little over two years ago.

later that night i talked to the boyfriend, telling him about a number of things that i had in mind, asking him for opinions, and of course, patiently he advised me little by little, making sure that i don’t miss out on anything this time. at the end of everything, he offered me a hug, and again i just broke down crying. i’ve never been so grateful in my life.

tuesday was hell. i had to go through every single mistake that i made in the last month and almost every breath i just feel like cursing over the little details that i overlooked. i prayed to God for a miracle and God came through with it. until i stumbled upon another little detail that should’ve not been there if it weren’t for my carelessness. UGH. nonetheless, the day ended well and i treated myself with Spicy Chicken McDeluxe and a pat on the back. phew

WEDNESDAY on the other hand was apparently random day. while stalking around my friend’s Facebook, i found out that Frontera was having another round of open mic session next wednesday (which is obviously this coming wednesday). literally immediately after i finished reading about it i clicked “join”. there was zero hesitation in my decision and i was just head over heels about it that i couldn’t wait to prepare my setlist. too many ideas floating through my mind that night that i had to force myself to go to bed lol.

that is, until i found out that i need to stay back for work till after 10 on that day itself…. boo.

a few days after that went back to normal, but i told myself to work harder than i have never been before and it didn’t take me much persuasion because i learned to love my job in a different perspective. although unrelated, i told myself, if i had done a job well done that day, i will reward myself with some “me time” when i get home, even if it’s just an hour early to bed, and not beating myself up for the things i hadn’t done. as long as some things on my to-do list get crossed-off, i will not let past disappointments get to me.

that, ladies and gentlemen, is the downside of being a perfectionist; you just don’t know how to forgive yourself.

(to be continued)

pesky (insert word here)

how do you not blow up when you’re on the verge of blowing up in pestering situations?

it’s hard, i know. it’s almost impossible trying to keep yourself calm before losing everything. all of your words, your fickle thoughts, your judgmental opinions, hanging so loosely at the tip of your tongue; how do you keep everything inside of you?! HOOOOOOOOWWWWWW?!

it all begins with your first boiling point. like a kettle whistling away when the water has reached its boiling point, that is your first warning. someone said something that pissed you off. it wasn’t just any something that made your head turned, but something that kinda went against what you believe, almost backfired but still under control. whatever, they don’t know what they’re talking about. pfft

and then you thought it’s just a one-off thing.

that thought ^ is the only reason the next few ones are nuisances to a point you can’t even. you may have not realized it, but it’s only because you let the first lash scream at you face-front even if the scream is silent. that silence, the thoughts at the back of your mind, it pierced through your fragile soul and it’s the last thing that you need when dealing with pesky (insert word here).

as long as you keep letting it bothering you, eventually you will either break down like a pussy or you will start yelling like a maniac.

pfffft. easier said than done.

growing up, it has never been easier trying to fulfill every expectation everyone has of me. i thought what they wanted for me was what i’m supposed to do, like a robot with simple commands i just did “everything right” up until i was 15. every decision i made after that was being judged, nothing i do would ever please them, every comment made stings and scars never went away like they were meant to stay forever. i became a moody 18-year-old with uncontrollable temper.

my worst habit? i become a bitch once fatigue sinks in. and then my attitude starts rolling and making a scene. when i’m pissed, i’d make sure everyone else would feel horrible too. to make my point that i’m not satisfied, i’d give everyone the silent treatment, the are you kidding me face when “necessary”.

it’s taking me almost a year now trying to start everything from ground up. talking with the boyfriend today makes me realized how much of a patient punching bag he’s been for me. i don’t have anyone to turn to (and never will do) mostly because of their matter-of-fact answers that leaves me without at peace and more of well thank you for judging me, i’m sorry i’m not as smart as you, i just don’t know how to deal with this, ok? inner-self destruct.

“depends on how you think. if you think negative, you won’t be able to do anything but blowing up. don’t let your anger control you. done.”

the irony.
the irony.

songs i listened to:
Survival by Muse
Panic Station by Muse
Supremacy by Muse
Uprising by Muse
Plug In Baby by Muse
Take Me Somewhere Nice by Mogwai
Pretty Face by Soley
Clementine by Sarah Jaffe
I’ll Never Forget You by Birdy
One Top of The World by Imagine Dragons
Demons by Imagine Dragons