reality vs dreams

so people often wonder if this was my final semester in college, or why i am sitting behind evelyn’s table, or even asking me to help out with their project; often reminded that i used to be their senior who’d always give them free advices.

i used to work in a travel agency for 5 months before i started college. you know, the stereotypical office environment; the sound of people typing, phone ringing, clients coming over for proposals etc. it’s a small company, just the three of us altogether. if i were to be downright honest, i never liked the idea of working in s cubicle with things piling up my desk every morning needing to leave the office late almost every morning dressed in a grey blouse and a black pencil skirt always having the trouble trying to walk comfortably in my one-inch closed toe heels…..


and then i started college.

music is a passion that i started to develop at a very young age. i may have never realized it until i was 13, but music has always been the first thing on my mind. whether it’s singing, playing my guitar/keyboard, jamming with friends, or even writing new tunes just because.

when i was 15, i convinced myself every day that i would get straight A’s in my PMR and work towards studying in a pure science stream class, get more A’s in my SPM and then study engineering like my uncle.

i did them successfully. just not the latter part.

i was writing songs almost every day, uploading a new original every fortnight on Facebook and flunking almost every subject but English, Math & BM. i scored 4 A’s in my SPM and my mother just didn’t know what to do with me anymore; she basically gave up on her oldest child, and I couldn’t blame her.

a friend used to ask me; what do you want to do in life….and I said “music”.

he then asked me “so, what are you doing here?”.

i was 16, doing my 4th form and he was my classmate, one of the top 10 in class.

i graduated with a certificate in audio production, and now i’m working as a system support engineer, the kind of job that has nothing to do with audio production, at least not by a long shot. it’s part admin work, part tech support, (small) part audio engineer, part everything else that requires an extra pair of hands.

so, why? why this job over the possibility of working at McGirvanmedia (Asia) Sdn Bhd, or even an offer in the live sounds field that promises a pay between 3-6k a month, opportunities that are related to the course that cost me almost 40k?

one side of me, says i don’t know. another side tells the same list of reasons that i’d answer with each time i get asked.

another question: if i don’t like working in an-office based kind of environment, why did i even consider this job and applied for it?

if you want me to be stereotypical and closed-minded, i’d probably wouldn’t even thought about coming to work here in the first place. yesterday, i was surprised by the expression of when i said “they didn’t ask me; i asked them”. i guess i never realized the other side of expectation/perception of my decision to work here. ha

before the travel agency, i worked in a secretarial company. also only the 3 of us there. i come back every possible way that i can during the holidays. i enjoy working there and never once i feel like i couldn’t wait to go home. now how is that possible?

for starters, these two companies are two different type of fields (kinda), managed by two different people with two different sets of priorities. one is always pushing towards deadlines, another deals solely around the clients’ satisfactions. but these are not the differences that set them apart for me.

ever since i started working part-time everywhere i learned two things; saving money has never been more crucial in your daily needs, but to love your job comes a long way, and it’s the only way for you to keep doing what you’re doing.

there are miss and hits in life and the travel agency was definitely a miss. i walked in with a thought of possibility that this is my second chance in life if ever my career in music fails, not having the slightest clue of what i should be doing most of the time, getting multiple scoldings for messing up, not a single praise or encouragement for the things i did right, screwing up even more after a few messed ups, not having the freedom of playing any sort of music source, GAH. i became depressed and broke down crying in the kitchen after 4 months of working.

you would think that i had managed to keep myself strong at heart for 4 months, but when someone actually took noticed of my change after working for a month, i know that everything about this job is wrong. at least for me.

if this already seem like whining and you’re hoping that i’d snap out of the immaturity in this situation, then tell me, how do you continue living with a broken heart when all that is left living for the sake of living?

so why this job?

wherever you go, you will always learn something new – no doubt about that – but it will never be as much as doing something completely different from what you’ve been comfortably doing for a some time. this is exactly what the job is all about. instead of instantly venturing into a field of audio engineering – whether it’s studio/live sounds – i let myself go through a whole new level of mistakes, learning everything that i need to know from scratch, giving myself the time and space to grow (again) as an individual while i’m slowly turning 20.

furthermore, this job feels right. at least to me. there will be times where i’d break down crying over the workload stress, but it will never be because of not having to enjoy what i do, work-wise. tribute is coming up soon, and it’s gonna be worse than i’ll ever imagine, but i’m not dreading it. in fact, i look forward to the sleepless nights and aching body. i’m ready.

it’s time.

cool lights.

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